Freaks Talk Back: True
Stupid Customer Questions
(Asked
at the Barnes & Noble Bookstore in Center City Philadelphia)
Escalators for Dummies:
Does the escalator go all the way up to the 3rd floor?
Customer (pointing to up escalator): How do I go up? This way?
Idiots Guide to Geography:
C (on 1st floor): Where is history?
B&N: the 3rd floor.
C: Is that upstairs or downstairs?
C: What floor am I on?
B&N: The 1st floor.
C: How do I get to the basement?
B&N: Where?
C: To Urban Outfitters (the store next door)
B&N: You can’t. We are not connected.
C: You mean I have to go outside and around the corner?
B&N: Yes.
Do you sell maps? You know, things with picture of roads on them?
Customer: Where is the children’s section?
Barnes & Noble: 3rd floor.
Customer: Oh, do you have a 2nd floor?
C: I’m looking for the Boston Zagut Restaurant
guide, do have a local interest section that would have it?
B&N: No. Boston isn’t local. The restaurant guide would
be with the rest of the Boston travel books.
C: Well there aren’t any on the shelf.
B&N: We must be out of stock. I could order it for you
C: No. Well are there any local stores around here that would have
it?
B&N: Boston is not local. Maybe you should wait until you go
to Boston and buy it there.
C: Good idea.
Customer (looking at interactive globe): Oh I didn’t know Greenland was a real country. I thought they made it up.
How to Identify a Bookstore from a Library
How do I get an application to check out books here?
What kind of store is this? Is it a library?
Where is the nonfiction section?
Where is "A"?
Where are the call numbers?
How can I get a library card?
Horror
Hey skinny white bitch order me this Bible?
Do have books on how to change your identity? How to pick locks? Chloroform?
C: I ordered a book about a month ago. It’s
called Poisons and Antidotes
B&N: What is your name? Because we list our customer orders
by last name.
C: Well, I use several fake names and I don’t know which one
I used.
B&N: Can you think of any fake names you could have used?
C. No.
B&N: Did you receive a postcard in the mail telling you it was
in? What name was on the postcard?
C: No. I gave a fake address, so I didn’t get a postcard, but
the book is called Poisons and Antidotes and you should have
it.
Welcome to Reality
I want the application for the Nobel Prize in physics.
C: You have beautiful green eyes.
B&N: They’re blue.
C: Do you have that book from that movie Les
Miserababah?
B&N: Les Miserables? Yes it would be on the 3rd floor.
C: What section would it be in?
B&N: The fiction section.
C: So nonfiction is true, and fiction is not true, right?
B&N: Yes.
C: How can this book be fiction if there is a movie about it?
B&N: Movies are not true.
C: Really?
B&N: Yes. Movies are not true, movies are fiction.
Where are your housewares? Last week I saw housewares in your window. Where ARE they?!
C: I’d like a set of encyclopedias.
B&N: We don’t sell encyclopedias but we could order them
for you. What brand would you like?
C: I don’t care.
B&N: Like Encyclopedia Britannica?
C: Sure.
B&N: Or World Book?
C: Sure. Whatever.
I would like to find a book, I don’t know the title or the author but it was here last week.
I would like to find a book, I don’t know the title or the author but it was written by a gay black man.
Drunk customer: Are you European?
I wrote a book called 1001 Pet Names, can I autograph it?
I am allowed to use the bathrooms?
Customer (addressing employee that was reshelving
the books, magazines, and newspapers left in the cafe): hey. I was
going to read the complimentary newspaper. You can’t take it
away!
B&N: We don’t have complimentary newspapers.
Customer (on phone): Could you go to the $40 American Heritage Dictionary and the $20 Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary and see which one contains the word "kohona" because I want to upgrade the dictionary I already have to one that has more words?
Have you ever heard of those guys, you know, Calvin and Hobbes?
C: Do you sell gifts?
B&N: What kind of gifts ma’am?
C: Hats.
B&N: No.
Customer (who had spent the last 15 minutes in the periodicals section): Do you sell newspapers?
C: Could you page a customer?
B&N: Yes.
C: His name is Chris.
B&N: Well what is his last name? That is a pretty common name.
C: Well, could you page him by his nickname?
B&N: What is his nickname?
C: Moose.
Do you know that mystery series where the inspector is an Indian man. I think his name is Inspector Goat. A lot of people have.
Customer (During the 6-week SEPTA public transportation
strike): I want the soft cover version of Angela’s Ashes.
B&N: I’m sorry ma’am but is it not in soft cover yet,
the hard cover version is still on the New York Times best-sellers
list, therefore it is available only in hard cover.
C: But it is! You should have it! I saw a woman on the bus reading
it!
B&N: First of all it is not in soft cover yet or we would have
it. Second, there are no buses.
C: Do you sell board games?
B&N: No. We have crossword puzzles.
C: Then you wouldn’t have Scrabble™?
B&N: No.
C: Do you have 8-tracks or those things like
records?
B&N: Do you mean CDs?
C: Yes.
B&N: No.
