The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
(Seen on an old, beat — up car:) "This is not an abandoned vehicle."
Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons.
Born FreežTaxed to Death.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Laugh alone and the world thinks youÿre an idiot.
REHAB is for quitters
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep
All men are Idiots, and I married their King!
E. coli Happens
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfatherž Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his carž
Work is for people who donÿt know how to fish
Montana — At least our cows are sane!
I didnÿt fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
Your kid may be an honor student but youÿre still an IDIOT!
Itÿs as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
If you donÿt like the news, go out and make some.
I Brake For No Apparent Reason.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Sorry, I donÿt date outside my species.
Nobodyÿs ugly after 2 a.m.!
Smile, itÿs the second best thing you can do with your lips.
I may be fat, but youÿre ugly & I can lose weight!
No Radio — Already Stolen
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
When thereÿs a will, I want to be in it!
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
If we arenÿt supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Few women admit their age, few men act it!
I donÿt suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
Tell me to "stuff It" — Iÿm a taxidermist.
IRS: Weÿve got what it takes to take what you have got.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all itÿs students!
Which came first? The woman or the department store?
LAWYER: A cat settles a dispute between 2 mice.
Itÿs lonely at the top, but you eat better.
According to my calculations the problem doesnÿt exist.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Reality? Thatÿs where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
How Can I Miss You if You Wonÿt Go Away?
Iÿm not as think as you drunk I am
First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering..
Forget about World Peace...Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
Warning: dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Always remember youÿre unique, just like everyone else.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
i souport publik edekasion
Be nice to your kids. Theyÿll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who canÿt.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!"... till you can find a rock.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
I like you, but I wouldnÿt want to see you working with sub — atomic particles.
Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. — Dorothy.
I is a college student.
Eschew obfuscation.
