Quotes from Fawlty Towers
Fawlty Towers was a British sitcom in the 70's starring John Cleese of Monty Python fame
Basil finds someone going through the
food in the kitchen.
Basil Fawlty: Sybil, may I introduce the gentleman who's
just opened the self-service department here. Mr...?
Mr. Carnegie: Carnegie.
Basil Fawlty: Mr. Carnegie, the scavenger gourmet from...?
Mr. Carnegie: The Public Health department.
Manuel wants to keep his pet rat.
Manuel: Mrs. Fawlty, please understand. If he go, I go!
Basil Fawlty: Well, goodbye!
Sybil suggests a way to get rid of Manuel's
rat.
Sybil Fawlty: Perhaps it would be simplest to have him put
to s-l-e-e-p.
Basil Fawlty: Who? Him or the rat? I could get a discount
if we get them both done.
Two guests are speaking to Basil in German.
Basil: Oh, German. I'm sorry, I thought there was something
wrong with you.
Basil: Polly, what's that smell?
Polly: Flowers, I just got them from the garden.
Basil: Well, what are you stinking the place up with those
for? What's happened to the plastic ones?
Polly: Being ironed.
Basil Fawlty: You'll have to forgive him. He's from Barcelona.
Mr. Hutchinson: How do you do?
Polly Sherman: How do you do?
Mr. Hutchinson: Wait a minute, we've met before I think.
Polly Sherman: Yes, I served you at breakfast.
Mr. Hutchinson: Oh yes, and you spilled the grapefruit juice
didn't you, you naughty girl?
Polly Sherman: And you moved the glass, didn't you?
Mr. Hutchinson: There is a documentary on BBC2 this evening
about "Squawking Bird," the leader of the Blackfoot Indians in the
1860s. Now this starts at 8:45 and goes on for approximately three-quarters
of an hour.
Basil Fawlty: I'm sorry are you talking to me?
Mr. Hutchinson: Indeed I am. Yes, now, is it possible for
me to reserve the BBC2 channel for the duration of this televisual
feast?
Basil Fawlty: Why don't you talk properly?
Mr Carnegie: Lack of proper cleaning routines, dirty and
greasy filters, greasy and encrusted deep fat fryer, dirty, cracked
and stained food preparation surfaces, dirty, cracked and missing
wall and floor tiles, dirty, marked and stained utensils, dirty
and greasy interior surfaces of the ventilator hood, ...
Basil: About the fat fryer...
Mr Carnegie: ...inadequate temperature control and storage
of dangerous foodstuffs, storage of cooked and raw meat in same
trays, storage of raw meat above confectionery with consequent dripping
of meat juices onto cream products, refrigerator seals loose and
cracked, ice box undefrosted, and refrigerator overstocked...
Basil: Say no more.
Mr Carnegie: ...food handling routines suspect, evidence
of smoking in food preparation area, dirty and grubby food handling
overalls, lack of wash hand basin which you gave us a verbal assurance
you'll have installed at our last visit six months ago and two dead
pigeons in the water tank.
Basil: Otherwise O.K.?
Basil: I think I'll have a lie down. No I won't, I'll go and hit some guests.
O'Reilly: The problem with you,
Mr. Fawlty, is that you worry too much. You keep it up like this,
you'll have a stroke before fifty. Stone dead you'll be.
Basil Fawlty: Suits me.
O'Reilly: Oh! That's a dreadful thing to say.
Basil Fawlty: Not at all. Get a bit of peace.
O'Reilly: Don't be so morbid. The Good Lord made the world
so that we could all enjoy ourselves.
Basil Fawlty: Look, my wife enjoys herself. I worry.
O'Reilly: Well, let me tell you, if the Lord had meant us
to worry, he would have given us things to worry about.
Basil Fawlty: HE HAS! MY WIFE!! She will be back here in
four hours and she can kill a man at ten paces with one blow of
her tongue! How am I supposed not to worry?
O'Reilly: Just remember, Mr. Fawlty, there's always somebody
worse off than yourself.
Basil Fawlty: Is there? Well I'd like to meet him. I could
do with a laugh.
O'Reilly: You'll have to worry for the both of us. I tell
you, if the Good Lord---
Basil Fawlty: ---is mentioned ONCE more, I shall move you
closer to him!
Mrs. Richards: I've booked a room
with a bath and a sea view.
Manuel: Qu™?
Mrs. Richards: K?
Manuel: SØ.
Mrs. Richards: C?
Manuel: No. Qu™, "what."
Mrs. Richards: K. Watt?
Manuel: SØ: qu™, "what."
Mrs. Richards: C. K. Watt? Is he the manager?
Manuel: Ah! Manajer! Mr. Fawlty.
Mrs. Richards: This man is telling me the manager is a C.
K. Watt, aged forty.
Manuel: No, Fawlty.
Mrs. Richards: Faulty? Why? What's wrong with him?
Basil: Where are the pens?
Sybil: They're in that box. It says "pens" quite clearly.
Basil: Looks more like "Ben's."
Sybil: Well, then when Ben comes, you can give it to him.
Basil Fawlty: I'll ruin you! You'll never waitress in Torquay again!
Basil Fawlty: This is Basil's wife. This is Basil. This is a smack in the head.
Mr Hamilton: What I'm suggesting
is that this place is the crummiest, shoddiest, worst-run hotel
in the whole of Western Europe!
Major Gowen: No! No! I won't have that! There's a place in Eastbourne!
Basil Fawlty: Manuel will show you to your rooms -- if you're lucky.
Basil Fawlty: It's alright, he's only choking!
Basil Fawlty: Don't touch me, I don't know where you've been.
Sybil Fawlty: Oh, and Basil, one more thing: If you're going to grope a girl, have the gallantry to stay in the room with her while you're doing it.
Sybil Fawlty: Do you really believe in your wildest dreams that a girl like this could possibly be interested in an aging, Brilliantine, stick-insect like yourself?
Basil Fawlty: Is something wrong?
4th German: Will you please stop talking about the war?
Basil Fawlty: Me? You started it!
4th German: We did not start it.
Basil Fawlty: Yes you did, you invaded Poland.
Basil has just found out that Kurt
has a crush on Manuel
Basil Fawlty: I knew it. I knew this would happen if we hired
a Frenchman.
Polly Sherman: He's Greek, Mr. Fawlty.
Basil Fawlty: Greek?
Polly Sherman: Of course.
Basil Fawlty: Well that's worse. They invented it.
Basil's suffered a blow to the head
and is in the hospital.
to nurse
Nurse: I'll... I'll get the doctor.
Basil Fawlty: It's a plastic surgeon you need, not a doctor.
Mrs Richards: I expected to see
the sea.
Basil Fawlty: You can see the sea, it is over there between
the land and the sky.
Mrs Richards: You call that a view?
Basil Fawlty: Well perhaps you should consider moving to
a hotel closer to the sea, preferably in it.