Useful Travel Tips When Visiting the UK
This wind-up article appeared recently in an American (US) magazine. By all accounts it was taken seriously by a lot of people.
Money
The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money
is referred to as "goolies" in slang, so you should for
instance say "I'd love to come to the pub but I haven't got
any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for what
was once called a "shilling" the equivalent of seventeen
cents American.
Making Friends
If you are fond of someone, you should tell
him he is a great "tosser" — he will be touched.
The English are a notoriously tactile, demonstrative people, and
if you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances
and tossers when you walk down the street.
Customs
Since their Labor government whole-heartedly
embraced full union with Europe the Brits have been attempting to
adopt certain continental customs, such as the large midday meal
followed by a two or three hour siesta, which they call a "wank."
As this is still a fairly new practice in Britain it is not uncommon
for people to over sleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work there
due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper,
simply apologize and explain that you were having a wank —
everyone will understand and forgive you.
Relaxing
One of the most delightful ways
to spend an afternoon in Oxford or Cambridge is gliding gently down
the river in one of their flat-bottomed boats, which you propel
using a long pole. This is known as "cottaging." Many
of the boats (called "yer-i-nals") are privately owned
by the colleges, but there are some places that rent them to the
public by the hour. Just tell a professor or policeman that you
are interested in doing some cottaging and would like to know where
the public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with vegetable
oil to protect them from the water, so it's a good idea to buy a
can of Mazola and have it on you when you ask directions to the
yerinals. That way people will know you are an experienced cottager.
Food and Wine
British cuisine enjoys a well-deserved reputation as the most sublime
gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust
dollar, the American traveler can easily afford to dine out several
times a week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting
your afternoon wank for). Few foreigners are aware that there are
several grades of meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the
best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's seal, called the British
Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell
your waiter you want BSE beef and won't settle for anything less.
If he balks at your request, custom dictates that you jerk your
head imperiously back and forth while rolling your eyes to show
him who is boss. Once the waiter realizes you are a person of discriminating
taste, he may offer to let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite
British wines. If he does not, you should order one anyway. The
best wine grapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire
and East Anglia try an Ely '84 or Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed.
When the bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested amount.
Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to dine there again,
in which case you should simply walk out; the restaurant host will
understand that he should run a tab for you.
Transportation
London costs two pounds, no matter how far
you travel. If a taxi driver tries to over charge you, you should
yell "I think not, you charlatan!" then grab the nearest
policeman (bobby) and have the driver disciplined. It is rarely
necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are required
to make detours at patrons' requests. Just board any bus, pay your
fare of truppence (the heavy gold-coloured coins are "pence"),
and state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: "Please
take me to British Library." A driver will frequently try to
have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested
destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist
(little does he know you're not so ignorant!). For those travelling
on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the most economical
way to get about, especially if you are a woman. Chivalry is alive
and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free on the Tube.
Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators
or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the state-sponsored
Tube musicians. Once on the platform, though, beware! Approaching
trains sometimes disturb the large Gappe bats that roost in the
tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19th
century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate.
The anouncement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you
should grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people
have ever been killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered
only a minor drawback to an otherwise excellent means of transportation.
Airports
One final note: for preferential treatment when
you arrive at Heathrow airport, announce that you are a member of
Shin Fane (an International Jewish peace organization — the
shin" stands for "shalom"). As savvy travelers know,
this little white lie will assure you priority treatment as you
make your way through customs
